The Blameless One

Having read so many brilliant 55-ers, especially by IHM and OG, I often wondered if I could make the cut as well. I finally decided to give it a shot with this work of fiction.

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The Blameless One

A School Principal allowed suspected paedophiles to be teachers. The teachers preyed on the children and the principal did not stop them. But the parents did not blame the principal, saying he was innocent, as he had never personally committed any of the horrible acts. So he continued as principal, and the paedophiles continued uninterrupted.

 

Sexy Melons!

Is this something I should be writing to the NCW¹ about? How can any civilized society tolerate the stripping and vulgar display of watermelons – and that too around a pole? Melons too have feelings.

Stripped watermelons are against our culture. We want decent melons, with good values and morals. Not ‘sugarbabies’ and melons that reveal too much. This is India, not the decadent west.

1. National Commission for Watermelons

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And shame on those of you who read the title and hopped here expecting something else!

 

Well, At Least His Hearty Is In Correct Place, Na?

Don’t be laughing too much, peoples. Arre, not only is his hearty being in right place, we should also remember it is the thoughtless that is counting!

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By the way, doesn’t this look like a bad movie poster of an even worse film? Of the ‘romance bhi hai, drama bhi hai, action bhi hai’ variety? Bald Pate, with the earring and the “kahan jaa rahi ho, Bharati?” smile, is the villain. The loser on the right is the romantic hero (don’t miss the hair parted down the middle…), powerless to stop Bald Pate’s machinations when it comes to Bharati. You can see the helplessness in his expression. And then, at the top of the poster, we have all the mai-baaps who control and manipulate all our destinies. In decreasing order of importance, left to right. Strangely enough, a lot of them seem to be benevolently approving of Bald Pate’s antics with Bharati!

The more erudite reader might look closely at the poster and say “What the eff men QI? Who dis Bharati? Where she is? What you are talking men?”

I suppose the only thing worse than a bad film is a terrible metaphor.

But wot to do? I am like that wonly.

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For those who are interested, some more posts on English in India:

http://quirkyindian.wordpress.com/2008/11/17/pliss-to-be-minding-your-english-ok/

http://quirkyindian.wordpress.com/category/indian-english/

 

It’s Official: India Has The Funniest Civil Servants!

The Indian bureaucracy, it seems, is not without a sense of humour. Really perverse humour, but humour nevertheless.

Lalgarh, like Nandigram and Naxalbari, has become another addition, courtesy West Bengal, to our socio-political lexicon. Here’s an article where one of the Maoists has said that their movement’s raison d’être is the Government – or more accurately, the lack of it. So whether it is healthcare, roads or irrigation, the People have taken matters into their own hands and seem to have a done a surprising amount of work. And it’s not just Lalgarh – it is estimated that in around a third of India’s total districts, the state really doesn’t exist – which is why, from time to time, it tries to prove its existence by swatting a couple of hapless citizens to keep the rest of us in line.

So it was with some surprise that I read this piece about the performance appraisal of civil servants. Given this country’s experience with the performance appraisal system for politicians – also known as elections – you will forgive my scepticism about this whole business. Performance and Government really don’t belong together in the same sentence. Not in India, at least.

Even if one discounts surveys like the one quoted here, which ranks Indian bureaucrats – and by implication, the Indian state – as the least efficient among the 12 Asian nations surveyed, very many Indians would agree that the state, where it exists, rarely rises above its torpor and lethargy, and where it doesn’t exist, well, it just doesn’t exist. So how on earth, with the state absent from about a third of the country, and in self-aggrandising mode in the rest, can people in the various branches that make up the civil services actually give themselves and their colleagues 10/10? But that’s exactly what our fine Babus have done.

Like I said, these people have a devilish sense of humour.

Unfortunately, as always, the joke’s on us.

 

Why I am Learning Mandarin……..

Wǒ xiànzài zài xué Zhōngwén.

That basically means I am learning Mandarin. No, it’s not because I’m moving to Shanghai, or because I think Mandarin is someday going to rival English as a business language. It’s just that if I don’t switch to the Chinese ATP feed, from the English feed – with Brit commentators – we get in India, I’ll go off tennis forever.

What is it with these Brit commentators? I agree, Murray is a great player. But enough with the frigging hero-worship already. Sample this snippet from an imaginary Gonzalez-Roddick match (and it’s true of every other match today) :

Phil: ….and what an outstanding return of serve from Roddick…look at that angle! And Gonzo’s got to it with a spectacular forehand passing shot down the line. What a superb athlete he is…always making his opponent play the extra ball….

John: Yes, Phil. And you know who else can play so brilliantly?

Phil: Yes, John. Andy Murray. Such a sublime player. Such a complete player. And what a magnificent athlete he is. Truly a delight to watch.

John: Right you are, Phil. And a very thinking player as well. He reads the ball so well, Andy Murray does. I think we’re looking at a future Number 1…

Phil: Indeed, John. And dare I say it….the Wimbledon champion this year?

John: He does have what it takes….

During this time, Gonzo’s smashed rackets (twice), a streaker has run out on court (once) and Roddick has had a shouting match with the umpire over a disputed line-call (again)……but those damned Brit commentators are still going on about Murray!

Phil: Yes, I think Murray could even win the US open….

And so on….it’s enough to make me want to throw up. I thought it was the Indians who desperately look for heroes, especially in the realm of sports…..seems the Brits aren’t far behind. They’ve also done this in Formula 1, all of last year, when Golden Arse Hamilton could do no wrong. This year, thankfully, like water, Hammy Boy’s found his level and so we get to hear a lot less about him. It helps that the commentators have actually found a likeable Brit who’s winning, and have shifted allegiance en masse! So now, instead of breathless paeans to Hamilton, we have orgasmic odes to Jenson Button.

Not only do the Brits seem desperate for sports heroes, it’s almost as if they’ve learnt the Art of Irrelevant Commentary from what Hindi cricket commentary used to be, even during TV’s early days: “jee hahn, darshakon mein bahut hi harsho-ulhas, kaphi sankhya main yahan darshak moujood, outfield kaphi hara-bhara hain, match bahut hi romanchak sthithi main…… AUR YE OUT!……”.

Quickly followed by a commercial break.

Huh? Out? Who? What? How?

Quite clearly, Mandarin is the way to go!

 

So Here’s To You, Mr. Federer………

The celestial dam wasn’t the only one to burst over Roland Garros on Sunday. Federer’s tear-ducts, trigger-happy at most times, went into free-flow mode again – only this time, these were tears of joy.

I wouldn’t have wanted to be in Roger’s customised Nikes on Sunday. The burden of expectation, the weight of greatness and the sneaking suspicion that this was probably a heaven-sent window of opportunity must have had Roger gnawing at his fingernails and must have made Mirka’s pregnancy a very anxious one. Their child’s going to be one cool customer, having been exposed to quite a few rollercoaster rides these past two months.

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So congratulations, Roger. I am glad you’ve finally done it. Your 14^th and the French Open. A triumph doubly sweet. I am firmly in the Rafa camp, but I have a healthy respect and high regard for you, and after Nadal, you’re the man!

I am happy you so comfortably beat the Sod, one of those flash-in-the-pan sportsmen who have a good run over a couple of weeks and then revert to their unremarkable form and inevitably walk into the shadows of history’s anonymity. The Sod beat Nadal – with help from a very partisan crowd – on one of those days when Nadal seemed to be in his worst nick ever, not moving and not retrieving. In hindsight, it does seem as if the knee injury that’s made him pull out of Queen’s and will probably keep him out of Wimbledon was a major factor – though Rafa being Rafa, not once during the match did we get an inkling that he was suffering from any physical discomfort, when – again, with perfect 20/20 hindsight – it had to be something really painful to keep him so immobile. Post-rationalisation, you ask? Still stewing over that shock defeat, you think? Possibly, but as a hurt fan, one clutches at some plausible explanation. And even though you have been at the receiving end of Rafa’s form, being the gentleman and the sportsman you are, I am sure you agree. Rafa is no Djokovic!

I have, on this blog, often mentioned that you are perhaps the GOAT, and you seem to have taken one step further in cementing that reputation. I hope you get your 15^th – and then I hope you retire. Don’t get me wrong – I just don’t want to see the Federer I saw all of these last 12 months, post Roland Garros 2008. You are too good a player to suffer the ignominy of regular defeats to a host of Johnnies-come-lately, and you should go out with a bang, not a whimper. And at 27, without a few critical weapons like a whopper of a baseline shot or remarkable athleticism (it’s a wonder you’ve achieved what you have without these tools), you’re a target for all the young bucks out there looking for a famous scalp. And they won’t carry the burden of greatness. So whether it’s Wimbledon 2009, or the US Open later this year – for your sake more than ours, after you’ve shed a few tears upon holding the cup aloft, please please please – walk into what I’m sure will be a very prosperous sunset.

As for you, Rafa, I hope you recover, I hope you come back soon, and I hope you continue your scintillating brand of tennis. And while there will be a few losses and disappointments to go with the many wins, please go down fighting. Not as you did to Soderling. In all probability, you will lose your Number 1 slot to Roger this year, and while we agree you couldn’t lose it to a better man, we want to see you back on top. We want to see you bite the trophies again, and we want to see you as Number 1. And if you have to kick some Swedish ass on your way, well, that’s just icing on the cake.

 

Goodbye… But Not Yet…Not Yet!

I feel like a tiger. Not like the ones in Mumbai. The real ones. In other words, I’m endangered.

But there’s no need to start mourning celebrating (Note: Edited to reflect popular opinion!) just yet…..I have 5 million more years to go (which is considerably more time than tigers have), according to Prof. Jennifer Graves of the University of Canberra. Prof. Graves has confirmed the inevitability of every woman’s secret and guilty sci-fi fantasy: a world without men.

Another blow to my macho sensibilities came from a study conducted in Israel by Prof. Marek Glezerman. Not only am I endangered, it turns out I’m not even a tiger. I am a wimp. A tabby. WTF?!

I mean, it’s bad enough that I have no future, but then you rub it in by telling me that I’m weak and that manly is actually, well, unmanly. Like I said, WTF??

But let’s make the best of this; let’s not go out without a fight (no pun intended!)…..we should start organizing ourselves, demanding rights and privileges – including protected habitats where I can scratch my crotch and smash things without fear – so that our unique way of life can be preserved. Next demand: Reservations, as in quotas. Not as in habitats. I am also currently accepting subscriptions and donations for the WWF (World WeakerSex Fund!)…… please give generously!

 

Totally Random Post about Cannes, Geeks and Federer

You know what I love about artists – and filmmakers in particular – from the US and UK? Their originality. Their desire to push the envelope. To do something new.

There’s this film that’s apparently been screened at Cannes, and was in the running for top honours there. It’s called “Looking for Eric”, and is the story of a down-and-out postman whose life is going downhill. Then his hero, football star Eric, magically starts appearing before him and giving him advice. No one can see Eric, except our postman. Wow. Whatanideasirjee!

Why can’t we make films like this? (Edited to add: Sarcasm Alert!)

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Did any of you see this piece of ‘news’ in the DNA? IT professionals apparently make the best lovers. Take heart, all you Big-Bang-Theory type people. Geeky is the new Sexy.

Here are some of the highlights of this survey, with my vishesh tippani in italics.

“In addition, 82 percent IT workers claimed that they put their partners’ sexual needs above theirs, which turned out to be the highest among all of those asked.”

Hmmmm…a clear case of the Techies’ creed of service spilling over into their personal lives.

“And fitness freaks were also found to be the most selfish lovers too, reports the Sun. When asked whether they considered their partners’ needs above theirs, only 41 per cent answered positively, scoring the lowest among all those questioned.”

Brilliant insight. Who would have ever associated vanity, selfishness and narcissism with people who spend most of their waking hours agonising about how to move from a six-pack to an eight-pack…..whatever that is!

“However, when it comes to stamina, they (fitness freaks) certainly have an edge over others – IT workers, though passionate, failed to answer in affirmation when asked if they have sex more than three times a week.”

Words fail me! People who are fit generally tend to have more stamina? Nobel prize winning stuff, this!

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The French Open has begun. It was while desultorily watching some first round encounters that I found a player who could finally take on Federer.

Mathilde Johansson, a French player, dropped her racket and almost burst into tears after a series of double faults – during one of the many match points she had. And a short while later, having self-destructed and lost the match, the tears finally flowed. Familiar stuff!

Poor Roger. As if it wasn’t bad enough being displaced from Number 1 in the ATP rankings, it seems he’s going to be eased out of his Numero Uno position in the Tennis Waterworks Rankings as well!

 

In Which I Shed my Cynicism, and Embrace Optimism!

All of you know that I can always be relied upon to point to a dark cloud for every silver lining that you see. Well, there’s no more need to despair. The cynic has decided to hang up his boots. I have decided to join the ranks of the jubilant and the optimistic, as we look forward to another five years of magic.

And while seeking to validate (to myself, primarily – you know how old cynicisms die hard) this sunny outlook, I came across some observations that make me feel we are on the right path.

For starters, India is clearly bucking the global recession. We are getting richer and wealthier. Evidence lies in the fact that the combined declared net worth of our 543 MPs in the 15^th Lok Sabha is Rs. 3075 crores. Or 5.66 crores per MP. Not bad. And before anyone tries to puncture my balloon by pointing out that this total could be influenced by a few extreme values (a most regrettable tendency of this measure of Central Tendency!), do consider the fact that of the 543, there are 300 that have assets of at least 1 crore. The comparable number for the 14^th Lok Sabha was 154. An almost 100% rate of growth. Not bad for an allegedly poor country. I’m already feeling better about myself. Ready to take on the world and all that.

The number of criminals has also shown a fairly robust increase. There has been a healthy increase of 17.2% in the number of MPs facing criminal charges (from 128 to 150), and an even more spectacular increase of 32.7% in the number of MPs facing serious criminal charges (from 55 to 73). Numbers that have beaten Street Expectations! No wonder the Sensex was up 2110 points. Good news again – we are moving towards a more inclusive society, with none of those old, regressive prejudices against criminals.

Finally, while no figures have been quoted to buttress this claim, it seems that the number of MPs belonging to political khandans has also hit a new high. Which we intuitively know to be true, and which is also reassuring because it tells us that that basic unit of Indian society, the family, the parivaar, the kutumb, is thriving.

My only wish is that we see this trend to its logical conclusion. Why don’t we have a government that actually combines all these stellar qualities? A family-based model of governance that is also wealthy, progressive and inclusive. One that has all the right boxes ticked when it comes to caste, region, religion, gender, criminal sensibilities and the lot. But that ain’t the best part baby – just wait: we already have all the right people for this. What do you think of a government that comprises Daddy, Amma, Behenji, Didi, and Bhaijaan? And, to ensure we don’t lose sight of our great heritage in this mad rush to be a superpower, we need a spiritual advisor. Every good Indian family has one. Enter Guruji.

So what do you think, people? Wishful thinking, or can this be India’s reality someday?

 

Crapola Breaking News: Simian Proposes Radical Electoral Reforms

Turnip: Welcome to the Crapola News Network. Today-today-today, we try and predict who will form the next government. That, quite literally, is the billion dollar question. The Co-Co-Congress, to keep the BJP out, will ally with anyone, including the Left, Amma and Behenji, unless each of these decides to ally with someone else, like the BJP or the Third Front, except that the Left will not ally with the BJP, even if they may ally with anyone else to keep the Congress out, unless they want to keep the BJP out, in which case they’ll ally with the Congress as well, unless the Congress wants to maintain its alliance with Mamta, in which case they won’t, which means that the BJP will ally with anyone willing to ally with them to form the government, including Mamta, Amma, Behenji and Naveen Patnaik, unless some or all of these decide to ally with the Congress to keep the BJP out, or with the Third Front to keep both the Congress and the BJP out, which means the Third Front constituents will ally with whoever is willing to ally with them to keep everyone else out, unless they ally with the Congress to keep the BJP out or with the BJP to keep the Congress out…and that will bring us back to Do! Sharad Pawar and Behenji will ally with whoever can increase their respective chances of becoming PM, though Behenji could also be swayed with the promise of a thousand statues. Mulayam will ally with anyone who can dismiss Behenji’s democratically elected government, Laloo will ally with anyone who will withdraw the cases against him, allot him the railway ministry again, and allow his family to run riot in Bihar, Amma will ally with anyone who will take down the DMK government and lob a few shells across the strait. Manmohan Singh is the UPA’s candidate for Prime Minister, unless allies like Sharad Pawar decide otherwise, in which case he is only the Congress candidate, unless Janpath decides otherwise, in which case someone else will be the candidate unless Rahul Baba says ‘yes I can and I will’ in which case he will be the Congress candidate as well as the UPA candidate. Simple, isn’t it?

Charkha: Yes indeed, Turnip. Clear as mud. But the simple-minded viewers we cater to don’t really get it. They feel this whole process is confusing, convoluted and badly in need of reform. Whatever. Anyway, to appear fair and even-handed, we also want to present the other point of view. So, exclusively on Crapola News Network, we have Quirky Indian to explain a process of electoral reforms he has in mind. QI, thanks for swinging by.

QI: No problem, Charkha. I was hanging at a nearby tree. Well, my ideas are very simple. First, let the electorate in every constituency decide how much their collective vote is worth. This is the reserve price, and the constituency is then auctioned to the highest bidder. The money received is then equally distributed amongst the voters who voted to decide the constituency’s worth.

Once all constituencies are auctioned off, there will be a grand auction where bidders can win the right to form the government. There will be a Minimum Qualification Fee to form the government, as well as additional fees for every ministerial post the new government wants. The money thus collected again goes back to every citizen who bothered to vote…….

Turnip and Charkha (interrupting): But QI, your suggestions, apart from ensuring that every citizen has an equal share of the monetary pie, so to speak, actually make democracy in-in-infructuous, and will only lead to the complete corruption of democracy. Do you realise what this means? That people are paid for their votes, that their votes will actually be bought, with no thought to issues or governance or performance. That parliamentary support for government formation and ministerial berths will all be paid for and these democratic assets will be traded like in any other market, that there will be no accountability, no focus on development and governance and that elected representatives and ministers will now seek to recover the money spent on these various auctions … ……wait a minute, isn’t that exactly…….

(Very, Very Long Pause)

Turnip: Ummmm, thank you for watching the Crapola News Network.