Of Scientific Endeavour, Farting and Punishment

The media in India are so busy with politics that there has been no coverage of some really important news.

For example, how many of you are aware of this revolutionary scientific study that claims to have solved a problem plaguing humankind since the dawn of civilisation? No, it’s not about hunger, disease, mortality or global warming. We finally know the secret behind navel lint! If this isn’t a path-breaking study that genuinely expands the frontiers of human knowledge, I don’t know what is. If only someone could now solve the mystery behind lost and mismatched socks, the pinnacle of human achievement will have been reached.

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After a schoolboy was arrested for farting in class last November, Florida continues its crusade against teenage gas. Here’s the story: A boy allegedly farted on a school bus. His schoolmates laughed. The bus driver complained. School officials then issued a suspension order, prohibiting the boy from using the school bus for three days. The boy’s father termed the decision harsh and excessive.

I think the kids should have been sent to Gitmo. If India can invoke the NSA for some verbal farting, surely, in the US, the real thing should attract the severest punishment? And besides, how dumb were these boys? Didn’t they realise that in the land of the free, the home of the brave, there’s no place for the flatulent? Duh!

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Obama’s Suntan? Really?

Prime Minister Berlusconi of Italy is very excited about Obama’s victory, and in a speech in Moscow yesterday listed, among Obama’s positive qualities, his young good looks and suntan.

Suntan?

Where has this guy been all these months? Is he for real? Will someone please break the news to him? Gently, of course. He’s obviously in denial.

Meanwhile, in this post of mine, I had said that if Obama wins, Indians claiming some connection with him would be crawling out of the woodwork. The circus, ladies and gentlemen, has begun!

 

Frank Zappa, Stupidity and the Sub-Continent

“Some scientists claim that hydrogen, because it is so plentiful, is the basic building block of the universe. I dispute that. I say there is more stupidity than hydrogen, and that is the basic building block of the universe.” Frank Zappa

Well, Frank Zappa was right. What he did not mention was that stupidity is also the lightest element in the universe – meaning that in any situation, in any setting, stupidity rises to the top. This was empirically proven in a survey of a statistically significant number of governments, where it was found that the most stupid rose to the top.

What he also forgot to mention was that as with oil, diamonds and other natural resources, the distribution of stupidity is not equitable. No sir. Some countries have an unfair competitive advantage when it comes to endowments of stupidity. Like our sub-continent, which accounts for half the world’s total. And, while our endowments remain constant, the distribution of the other half keeps changing and shifting.

Here are two recent demonstrations from the vast reservoirs of our bounty. Oscar Fernandes – Union Labour Minister – practically justified the murder, by disgruntled ex-workers, of the CEO of a company in Noida, adding for good measure that this should serve as a warning to managements. He later apologised. (On a separate note, this, sadly, was yet another vindication of my theory that Indians love mob violence.)

The other example was President Zardari of Pakistan. Less than a year after his wife’s assassination, the sight of an attractive woman let his libido get the better of him. (Did I mention we also have more than our fair share of tharki budhhas?)

So, you may ask, that’s still only half the world’s known reserves. What about the other half?

Ummm….ever heard of the present incumbent of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue?

 

“Contact for Love Marriage”? WTF!?

Remember when you were young…….and train journeys in most parts of India meant you saw this ubiquitous ad by the tracks everywhere: “Rishte hi rishte. Milen Prof Arora 28 Ragairpura, Karol Bagh, Nai Dilli…”

Remember the matrimonial ads in the newspapers: ‘….wanted suitable decent match for 19, 150 cms, tall, fair, milky-white gori, convent-educated, homely, comely, status family girl father having own house in South Delhi…..’? Or the slightly edgier ones, but as hilarious nonetheless: ‘Wanted suitable match for 27, innocent divorcee, sharp features……..’ Innocent? What does that mean? That they didn’t get past second base?

Well, how times have changed! Here’s an interesting picture, clicked by Mid-Day reader R Sridevi, that appeared in the Mumbai Mid-Day on Saturday.

Photograph by R Sridevi, from Mid-Day Mumbai

I wonder how this works. Do they teach people how to fall in love and then get married? Do they do the Indian version of a ‘dating game’, with all the various kinds of Aunties as chaperones? Do they match ‘attributes’? Shouldn’t their slogan be “Come fall in love…..with someone in our database!”? Have they dispensed with horoscopes? How the eff does one facilitate a ‘love marriage’? If indeed they fix you up with someone, can it still be called a ‘love marriage”? Or is this ad meant for the intrepid couple that, in the face of all kinds of opposition, elopes? Do these guys specialise in weddings for eloped (and on-the-run) lovers? All of the above? Some of the above? None of the above?

People?

 

On How To Stay Single

Simple, as far as men are concerned. Just get hold of Dante Moore’s book.

The Re-Education of the Female, written by Dante Moore, is a best-seller in the United States. Its success could be explained by the fact that, among other gems, it advises women to obey men unquestioningly, and wear sexy clothes while cooking and cleaning. In hard-hitting chapters titled ‘Appearance, Appearance, Appearance’, ‘You Knew He Was a Bum When You Met Him’, and ‘Are You an Indirect Prostitute?’ he apparently dispenses advice on what women should do to get – and keep – their men.

Another delightful piece of advice: “The fatter you get, the more you decrease your potential single-man pool. Let me give you an example. When you go to the grocery store to shop, do you pick out the nastiest-looking, most rotten, smelliest fruit or meat you can find? Oh you don’t? Why not? It’s the same with men when they see baby-elephant-sized, out-of-shape women.”

Interestingly, Dante Moore still doesn’t have a girlfriend.

Gee, I wonder why.

PS: Dante’s book would probably meet with this horny old geezer’s approval. Don’t miss the almost wistful fiddling with the wedding ring.

 

Suu Kyi Deserves To Be Flogged: Myanmar Junta

It seems to be the time for unbelievable news headlines. The most recent one being the one where the Myanmar junta says Suu Kyi should be flogged for endangering national security.

Ridiculous. Where do the Burmese Generals think they are? Guantanamo Bay?