What does it take to get desis moving?

Well, in the pubs I frequent, it could be any one of four songs; until any one of these songs is played, we’re all there, staring into our drinks and minding our own business, or talking to other members of our group. But when the song begins, we feel this incredible urge to join in – even if we only know the refrain. Some may even want to make a few moves, and there’s a lot of foot-stompin’, clapping, shaking and a horribly out-of-tune chorus that invariably accompanies these songs.

And it’s always one of these four songs:

I personally don’t rate any one of these songs very highly.

Take Another Brick in the Wall. For the life of me, I can’t figure out why this song is preferred to other fantastic songs in the same album – Mother, Goodbye Blue Sky and Comfortably Numb among them. But everyone, without exception, perks up when this number is played, and starts mouthing the lyrics.

Similarly with I Want to Break Fee. Many other brilliant songs to choose from – Don’t Stop Me Now, It’s a Hard Life, Bohemian Rhapsody, We are the Champions, Man on the Prowl – and this is the song that brings the house down.

Money for Nothing has to be the worst song ever from the Dire Straits stable. Brothers in Arms wins top honours in that particular album – though Why Worry and So Far Away are also very good. OK, so they’re not exactly pub songs, but what’s wrong with Walk of Life? And if I have to go across albums, why not Sultans of Swing, or even something like Heavy Fuel? And let’s not even talk Shakespeare or go down the Telegraph Road.

I have saved the Doors for last because I always seem to rub people the wrong way when I tell them that, in my humble opinion, this is the most overrated band in history. And they still managed to come up with songs better than Roadhouse Blues. So, if someone must play the Doors, play another number instead! How about Light My Fire?

What do you think? Do you have a list of songs that you are absolutely sick and tired of hearing?

The media in India are so busy with politics that there has been no coverage of some really important news.

For example, how many of you are aware of this revolutionary scientific study that claims to have solved a problem plaguing humankind since the dawn of civilisation? No, it’s not about hunger, disease, mortality or global warming. We finally know the secret behind navel lint! If this isn’t a path-breaking study that genuinely expands the frontiers of human knowledge, I don’t know what is. If only someone could now solve the mystery behind lost and mismatched socks, the pinnacle of human achievement will have been reached.

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After a schoolboy was arrested for farting in class last November, Florida continues its crusade against teenage gas. Here’s the story: A boy allegedly farted on a school bus. His schoolmates laughed. The bus driver complained. School officials then issued a suspension order, prohibiting the boy from using the school bus for three days. The boy’s father termed the decision harsh and excessive.

I think the kids should have been sent to Gitmo. If India can invoke the NSA for some verbal farting, surely, in the US, the real thing should attract the severest punishment? And besides, how dumb were these boys? Didn’t they realise that in the land of the free, the home of the brave, there’s no place for the flatulent? Duh!

I was driving to a friend’s late Wednesday night, and stopped at a traffic light. And my eye caught this brightly-lit yellow sign. The secret of Dhoni’s good looks and sex-appeal is out. No surprises that he is a client, since this is obviously a very classy establishment. But will someone please tell me what “For She and Has” means? Is it some secret communication in an arcane language, known only to the well-groomed?

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The beauty of Indian English, ladeej and gentlemans, is beautiful, no?