Turnip: “Welcome to the Crapola News Network. In our top, in our top, in our top story today, the Foreign Affairs Minister, Mr. Dukhdardjee, said India had evidence of Pakistan being responsible for the Satyam fraud, and called upon Pakistan to behave responsibly and end financial terrorism. Apart from some e-mails to Satyam that originated in Pakistan, other evidence – available exclusively on Crapola – included the fact that there was an entity called PWC in Pakistan as well, which obviously masterminded, aided and abetted this fraud. “We are prepared for any eventuality and have kept all our options open” Mr. Dukhdardjee said, adding that he had spoken to his counterparts in the USA and the UK and pleaded with them to ask Pakistan to stop. “We are disappointed that after 25 years of requesting the USA to tell Pakistan not to trouble us, nothing has been done.” Taking a tough stand, he added, “Our patience is running out. A few more instances like Satyam, and there is a real possibility that we will consider serious action – for instance, multiple press-conferences like this on the same day.”

In view of the Sa-Sa-Satyam affair, security at other high-profile Indian companies has been strengthened. Special Personnel from SEBI, RBI, ICAI and the BSE have been rushed to the spot. The situation is believed to be tense, to be tense, to be tense but under control. The Prime Minister, Mr. MoanMoan Sing, in an impassioned speech to the nation – in which he blinked thrice, cleared his throat twice and actually looked away from the teleprompter on one occasion – said that the government condemned Pakistan’s complicity in this affair, and that they were ready to take the strongest possible measures to ensure that such scams do not come to light again.

Meanwhile, Affair-with-the-Minorities Minister, Mr. I. Wantolay, called the Satyam fraud a sinister attempt at deflecting attention from the Malegaon blasts, and hinted at right-wing Hindu involvement. Goohlayehum Yadav and Bummer Singh supported his theory and called for an, called for an, called for an impartial probe implicating the Hindu right.

Opposition Leader Turdvani called for tougher laws to ensure that there was no repetition of such incidents, though his demand might be infructuous. This demand was quickly supported by ordinary citizens, many of whom called for stricter legislation along the lines of the Fraud Unearthing and Corporate Knavery (Updated Significantly) Act, though saner commentators warned that such acts could only sc-sc-screw us,  the citizens. Charkha.”

Charkha: “Yes, indeed, Turnip. It is very goose-bumpy. The US and UK governments have not really responded to India’s entreaties and have asked India to point fingers only on the basis of incontrovertible proof. In response, the government has decided to plead harder with them.

In related developments, Pakistan has condemned the Satyam fraud, promised full co-operation, denied involvement and called for UN intervention in Kashmir to make sure the root causes of corporate fraud could be addressed. When we come back after the break, Aamir Khan, Katrina Kaif and Rakhi Sawant tell us what they think went wrong with Satyam. Don’t go away!”


Reporter standing at the site of a huge rally. In the background, one can see people firing guns into the air and at a couple of innocent bystanders, including a few journalists. She fidgets nervously as she stares into the camera.

Studio: And now we bring you, only on Crapola News Network, a live, a live, a live update from the massive rally organised by the Criminals Party of India (National) or CPI (N). Our reporter, Charkha, is bringing you this live update, only on the Crapola News Network, at great, at great risk to her life. Charkha, can you hear us? What is the update?

10 seconds of a split screen showing studio anchor and reporter staring blankly at us.

Charkha: Yes Turnip, the turnout is massive. The mood is one of anger, but there is a determination to bring about change. After peacefully destroying public and private property on the way to the rally, the crowds gathered here to listen to their leaders demand change and offer hope. This rally throws up questions that all Indians should ask themselves.

How do we create a more inclusive society? How do we rid ourselves of years of prejudice and accept other human beings for what they are? It is sad to see the poor representation of criminals in our public life. But small, progressive steps are being taken. In a tribute to the Indian system of parliamentary democracy, criminals have, after years of struggle, managed to go up to 25% of the elected representatives of India. What is even more heartening to note is this trend can be seen across party lines: every political party has played its part in this incredible tale of an incredible India!

But one doesn’t have to look far to see that it’s not a similarly happy scenario elsewhere: systemic, deep-rooted prejudices have ensured that criminals do not have adequate representation in higher, technical and professional education. And while their numbers have been on the rise in the bureaucracy, and especially in the police force, they still form a minuscule minority of the armed forces. The private sector has, as usual, shrugged off all social responsibility and has a history of discriminating against candidates with criminal backgrounds. The CPI (N) has demanded that reservation for criminals be enforced in the private sector. Business leaders will meet to see if industry can take any proactive action in this regard, but sources that did not wish to be named admitted that industry was prejudiced against criminals, but with ‘good reason’. They declined to elaborate on what those reasons were, but added that a number of elected representatives with criminal backgrounds had started setting up private enterprises, and that could throw up more employment opportunities for criminals. National President of the CPI (N), P N Runchor, was quick to condemn such statements as ‘elitist, fascist and obstructionist’. “They want to deprive our brothers and sisters of opportunities they have cornered by creating prejudices and hatred. I fought them all my life, and after winning an election, can now change the laws that sought to put us behind bars. We shall win this war.What they think? Criminals are good enough to run country but not to run companies?” These might sound like tall claims, but even Runchor’s detractors grudgingly admit to his success in splitting their existing criminal vote-banks. As one of them said, “Runchor has shown that the criminal has no religion”. And this rally demonstrates exactly that. It is very goose-bumpy. Turnip.

Turnip: Thank you Charkha. Yes, indeed, and passions and emotions run high in both supporters and detra- detra- detractors of the proposal to increase criminalisation in both India’s public and private spheres. However, one thing is certain: unless we we we create, we create, we create a truly inclusive society, where access, opportunity and benefits are available to all, all this talk about being a world power will be infructuous. Will the criminal’s long road to justice ever be shortened? When we get back after the break, will Akshay choose between Katrina and Deepika? Exclusively on the Crapola News Network.

Trans-sexuality in a Bollywood film is a no-no. (Films about hijras – e.g. Tamanna and Darmeyan – notwithstanding.) So our hero – Aamir Khan – is a secret agent in drag out to save India from the scourge of terrorism. (I wish he’d save us from rising inflation first).

Whilst battling these terrorists – in drag – in a remote town in the hills (it’s always a remote town in the hills), he comes to know, in a suitably dramatic way, of the existence of a daughter he never knew he had. The daughter’s going to seed. We can’t show her wanting to become a prostitute (Laaga Chunari Main Daag bombed!), much less a gay one at that. (We make good clean family films. The rapes, incest and molestation happen after the movies!). So what’s the next “bad”, yet redeemable, thing she wants to do? Voilà, she wants to be an item girl in Hindi films – à la Rakhi Sawant, with oodles of fat in all the right places to send Indian men into an erotic frenzy. For which she needs to get to Mumbai. Rakhi Sawant is the obvious choice for the role. Made to order.

Now, Aamir is horrified at her choice of career, but he’s in drag. Who’s gonna take him seriously? He wants to bond with his daughter, and so decides the best way is to offer her a ride to Mumbai, the city of her dreams. That suits Rakhi, so she agrees.

During the journey, Aamir drops subtle hints that he (in the guise of a she) is not who Rakhi thinks she (he) is, and launches into discourses about the tough choices young parents have to make when they are unprepared to have children – “ek bhool ki vajah se”! (Love these Hindi euphemisms for unprotected teenage sex.) For the Hindi-challenged, the phrase means “because of one mistake”. Pensive looking Aamir has a flashback where he’s cavorting with Rakhi’s mother, Rani Mukherjee, and how they end up having sex – you know, close-ups of fire, birds cooing, close-up of a hand clutching a crumpled bed-sheet at the climax. (Of the song too!)(Song No 1)

Anyway, Rakhi Sawant not being as dumb as she pretends to be, figures out that the clues Aamir’s dropping point to Aamir being her mother….and reacts accordingly. Anger, hurt, recrimination. Then mother-daughter talks on chumming, boyfriends, methods of contraception, with the audience howling with laughter at Aamir’s discomfiture. Rakhi ups the rebelliousness quotient. At one point, Aamir loses his wallet, and Rakhi Sawant pays for their meal by doing an item number (Song No 2) at this dhaba (Translation: rural roadside eatery) and comes away with enough money to travel to Mumbai in style.

This is not quite the bonding Aamir was hoping for. Anyway, at this moment, tragedy strikes – the terrorists attack, and the car plunges down a steep cliff into a roaring river.

Cut to – the famous Hindi film temple, with Rani (who else?) praying for the lives of these two people miraculously washed ashore at the temple, one of whom she’s recognised as her long-lost partner in an oft-remembered sexual – but “pure”, don’t ask me how – escapade. Rani asks God for justice in her life, now that she’s finally found the love of her life again….(Song No 3).

The flower falls from the idol, like in every Hindi film since time immemorial, and the Aamir-Rakhi duo awakens, sputtering out some water they had swallowed. Tearful reconciliation between Aamir and Rani. Introduction of Rakhi and Rani to each other. More tears. (Including people like me tearing my hair out.) Rakhi’s confusion at this point is complete. If Rani is her mum, who’s this other woman-parent? (Aamir’s in drag, remember?) Is she the adoptive daughter of a lesbian couple? Just as she’s getting fucked in the head, Aamir pulls out his falsies and the family has another tearful hug. (Misty eyes in the audience now.)

Huge special-effects martial-arts sequence at climax as terrorists (who have no religion!) attack the temple. Aamir saves the day, ably assisted by some comical fight-antics from the mother-daughter duo.

End with a happy family song (Song No 4) with all three of them in happily-ever-after mode, with a fully clothed, “reformed” Rakhi now at medical school, complete with that ridiculous white coat, glasses and a stethoscope.

All’s well that ends well.

So should I quit my day job, folks? What say?