For a while there, my considerable skills as a soothsayer seemed to be slipping. Forsooth did my predictions suck! Verily.

How so, asketh thou?

Well, I thought Dinara Safina would win the US Open Women’s Singles title. And then Serena swatted her. So, at that point, knowing that Jankovic didn’t have the game to take on Serena, I sneakily modified my prediction to Serena. But I can’t lie to myself. My crystal-ball had said Safina.

It was the same distressing story when it came to the Men’s Singles title. I predicted Nadal. Of course, a part of it has to do with the fact that I’m a die-hard Rafa fan. And the other part was the simply outstanding form that Rafa has displayed this year – post the Australian Open. And then Nadal was taken out in the semi-finals by tha’ Scottish laddie, Murray. You know, the one wi’ the wee bit o’ fuzz on his face.

That did not portend well for my future as a fortune-teller.

So just to prove to myself that I still have the gift, I decided to write the Mother Of All Horoscopes for you lucky people. This horoscope is guaranteed to apply to all of you, whoever you are, wherever you may be and whenever you may read this. In other words, ladies and gentlemen, this little piece of prophecy has broken all spatio-temporal restrictions.

“The Universe bestows its blessings upon you this week, though you might not see it immediately. A loved one may be a cause for worry. Income might not increase to your satisfaction, and some of you might feel the pinch of extra expenses. A good time to make purchases. Something or someone may bother you at the workplace. Some phone calls may be annoying. Rushing headlong in the face of oncoming traffic may result in injuries, so be careful. Not following traffic-rules may result in a confrontation with an authority-figure. Your patience will be severely tested by some people, but take it in your stride as this is karma from previous lives. Remember, the Universe has a way of balancing things out. If wanting to go on a short holiday, do begin making plans. For those who are single, you might meet your potential partner soon. For those already in a relationship, be careful of seeming too demanding and possessive in love. For students, hard work will be rewarded. A stalker with a sharp-edged weapon may spell danger. Health-wise a good week, but too much salt in the food can lead to problems. Remember to drink enough water. Lucky colours are white, blue and black. Lucky stone: diamond, particularly if paid for by someone else.”

People interested in more personalised readings may contact me directly!

PS: Some of these lines are used with alarming regularity in all the horoscope columns of our newspapers.