Reporter standing at the site of a huge rally. In the background, one can see people firing guns into the air and at a couple of innocent bystanders, including a few journalists. She fidgets nervously as she stares into the camera.

Studio: And now we bring you, only on Crapola News Network, a live, a live, a live update from the massive rally organised by the Criminals Party of India (National) or CPI (N). Our reporter, Charkha, is bringing you this live update, only on the Crapola News Network, at great, at great risk to her life. Charkha, can you hear us? What is the update?

10 seconds of a split screen showing studio anchor and reporter staring blankly at us.

Charkha: Yes Turnip, the turnout is massive. The mood is one of anger, but there is a determination to bring about change. After peacefully destroying public and private property on the way to the rally, the crowds gathered here to listen to their leaders demand change and offer hope. This rally throws up questions that all Indians should ask themselves.

How do we create a more inclusive society? How do we rid ourselves of years of prejudice and accept other human beings for what they are? It is sad to see the poor representation of criminals in our public life. But small, progressive steps are being taken. In a tribute to the Indian system of parliamentary democracy, criminals have, after years of struggle, managed to go up to 25% of the elected representatives of India. What is even more heartening to note is this trend can be seen across party lines: every political party has played its part in this incredible tale of an incredible India!

But one doesn’t have to look far to see that it’s not a similarly happy scenario elsewhere: systemic, deep-rooted prejudices have ensured that criminals do not have adequate representation in higher, technical and professional education. And while their numbers have been on the rise in the bureaucracy, and especially in the police force, they still form a minuscule minority of the armed forces. The private sector has, as usual, shrugged off all social responsibility and has a history of discriminating against candidates with criminal backgrounds. The CPI (N) has demanded that reservation for criminals be enforced in the private sector. Business leaders will meet to see if industry can take any proactive action in this regard, but sources that did not wish to be named admitted that industry was prejudiced against criminals, but with ‘good reason’. They declined to elaborate on what those reasons were, but added that a number of elected representatives with criminal backgrounds had started setting up private enterprises, and that could throw up more employment opportunities for criminals. National President of the CPI (N), P N Runchor, was quick to condemn such statements as ‘elitist, fascist and obstructionist’. “They want to deprive our brothers and sisters of opportunities they have cornered by creating prejudices and hatred. I fought them all my life, and after winning an election, can now change the laws that sought to put us behind bars. We shall win this war.What they think? Criminals are good enough to run country but not to run companies?” These might sound like tall claims, but even Runchor’s detractors grudgingly admit to his success in splitting their existing criminal vote-banks. As one of them said, “Runchor has shown that the criminal has no religion”. And this rally demonstrates exactly that. It is very goose-bumpy. Turnip.

Turnip: Thank you Charkha. Yes, indeed, and passions and emotions run high in both supporters and detra- detra- detractors of the proposal to increase criminalisation in both India’s public and private spheres. However, one thing is certain: unless we we we create, we create, we create a truly inclusive society, where access, opportunity and benefits are available to all, all this talk about being a world power will be infructuous. Will the criminal’s long road to justice ever be shortened? When we get back after the break, will Akshay choose between Katrina and Deepika? Exclusively on the Crapola News Network.

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