For a while there, my considerable skills as a soothsayer seemed to be slipping. Forsooth did my predictions suck! Verily.
How so, asketh thou?
Well, I thought Dinara Safina would win the US Open Women’s Singles title. And then Serena swatted her. So, at that point, knowing that Jankovic didn’t have the game to take on Serena, I sneakily modified my prediction to Serena. But I can’t lie to myself. My crystal-ball had said Safina.
It was the same distressing story when it came to the Men’s Singles title. I predicted Nadal. Of course, a part of it has to do with the fact that I’m a die-hard Rafa fan. And the other part was the simply outstanding form that Rafa has displayed this year – post the Australian Open. And then Nadal was taken out in the semi-finals by tha’ Scottish laddie, Murray. You know, the one wi’ the wee bit o’ fuzz on his face.
That did not portend well for my future as a fortune-teller.
So just to prove to myself that I still have the gift, I decided to write the Mother Of All Horoscopes for you lucky people. This horoscope is guaranteed to apply to all of you, whoever you are, wherever you may be and whenever you may read this. In other words, ladies and gentlemen, this little piece of prophecy has broken all spatio-temporal restrictions.
“The Universe bestows its blessings upon you this week, though you might not see it immediately. A loved one may be a cause for worry. Income might not increase to your satisfaction, and some of you might feel the pinch of extra expenses. A good time to make purchases. Something or someone may bother you at the workplace. Some phone calls may be annoying. Rushing headlong in the face of oncoming traffic may result in injuries, so be careful. Not following traffic-rules may result in a confrontation with an authority-figure. Your patience will be severely tested by some people, but take it in your stride as this is karma from previous lives. Remember, the Universe has a way of balancing things out. If wanting to go on a short holiday, do begin making plans. For those who are single, you might meet your potential partner soon. For those already in a relationship, be careful of seeming too demanding and possessive in love. For students, hard work will be rewarded. A stalker with a sharp-edged weapon may spell danger. Health-wise a good week, but too much salt in the food can lead to problems. Remember to drink enough water. Lucky colours are white, blue and black. Lucky stone: diamond, particularly if paid for by someone else.”
People interested in more personalised readings may contact me directly!
PS: Some of these lines are used with alarming regularity in all the horoscope columns of our newspapers.
September 8, 2008 at 6:31 pm
That’s hilarious. You’ve nailed the formula: seemingly specific yet grossly vague. “Opportunities arise at work, but trouble brews at home. Seek solace in a close friend.”
September 8, 2008 at 6:41 pm
& and as soon as you are done reading this horoscope you will forget whatever you have read,says Ganesha
September 8, 2008 at 7:19 pm
Lucky stone: diamond, particularly if paid for by someone else
lol
You are bang on 😉
Sir will my boss get the much needed (for me ;-)) transfer????
September 8, 2008 at 10:46 pm
That just about some’s it up huh? Well written!! til l8er
September 8, 2008 at 11:36 pm
lol … you’ve so predicted my future!!
September 9, 2008 at 2:13 am
@ QI:
You have a gift. OMG, this is so true!
“..Remember to drink enough water. Lucky colours are white, blue and black..”.
I was out all day today and did not remember to drink water. And I wore black and I got all the train connections one after the other, although some running was required but luckily “health-wise it is a good week”. By consuming only coffee and cookies, I avoided salt big time which may explain why I did not remember to drink water. Thanks to your advice, I also avoided “walking head long into oncoming traffic”. I did feel the “pinch of extra expenses” because I travelled before the time in the morning when my rail discount card’s benefits kick in.
Hamen aaj disha dikhane ke liye dandavat pranaam, Pandit-ji! 😉
September 9, 2008 at 9:07 am
Hmmm . . . you dabble in horoscopes, too? This Indian gets quirkier and quirkier! (Full positive sense wonly :))
September 9, 2008 at 1:06 pm
LOLLL You have the gift – Ma Ritu predicts that you have a future in this line of work 🙂
September 9, 2008 at 1:54 pm
WOWOWOOW
Thats terrific.. Bang On fer me! a stalker with sharp weapon will mean trouble…wowowowoowow
totally mind-boggling..
U got the gift! U r a soothsayer..U r totally wow!
*grins* Now that one was totally QI style 🙂
September 9, 2008 at 3:56 pm
we luurrvveed this post!!
was laughing so hard that people in office are wondering “Oh! we predicted this bit right! she is mad!;)”
drat! i forgot to wear black! and M is not the diamond buying kind!! leme find a new hubby!
then i will be looking for love and might get lucky!! :p
super post!!
cheers!
abha
September 9, 2008 at 4:07 pm
Very nice! This is why I hardly read the horoscope anymore.. A friend of mine falls for it big time though! Once her horoscope said, she may have a bad fight with her friends. So, she called everyone on her ‘good friends’ list and warned them! 🙂
September 9, 2008 at 9:51 pm
Hehehehe!!! 😀
Health-wise a good week, but too much salt in the food can lead to problems. Remember to drink enough water.
I read this a bit too late! Damn! I came back from work today with an upset tummy! Should’ve read this in the morning!! 😀
September 10, 2008 at 10:32 am
@supercynic: You’re quite good at it yourself! 🙂
@Anshul – ah yes, a là Bejan…. 🙂
@Smita – Mithoo has said ‘transfer ho jaayega, parantu thoda samay lage ga’… 🙂
@Wavemaker2 – thanks!
@Roop Rai – welcome to my blog and thanks for the comment!
@Shefalyjee – sab prabhu ki maya hain…..glad I helped you take the difficult decision of not walking headlong into oncoming traffic!
@Smokescreen – wot to be doing? This quirky fellow is like that wonly!
@Ritu – thanks…I hope business picks up!
@mystiquedew – thanks for the vote of confidence! 🙂
@Abha – thank you…I can predict that I may not be too popular with your husband though.. 🙂
@Aparna – Thanks. I have come across the most unlikely people not being able to resist a peek at the horoscope in the morning…strange!
@Nikhil – never mind…read it again….it will hold true today as well! 🙂
September 10, 2008 at 12:26 pm
Ah. Sports. Comic Strips. Horoscopes. This is all that I read in my daily newspaper. And all because they are so funny.
September 11, 2008 at 1:25 pm
“…Remember to drink water…” Oh s**t, my mistake… I thought it was whiskey… No wonder I was dead tired at the end of day, even though I wore my lucky color as told by my favorite horoscope.
🙂
September 11, 2008 at 5:34 pm
It is a tough urge to resist.. With Peter Vidal on Times.. and 2 others in the other papers.. and not to forget the popups on some sites.. The only one I follow is Bejan Daruwala’s yearly prediction.. and now, yours! 🙂
September 17, 2008 at 7:42 pm
Mithoo ki jai ho…..
Boss ka transfer ho gaya…he is now in Delhi 😀 and am on cloud nine celebrating my independence 😀
September 20, 2008 at 1:01 pm
@Che – smart boy, as the Loin would say. 🙂
@fvarga – well, horoscopes aside, good whiskey does make an evening seem better! 🙂
@Aparna – I should have predicted that you’re going to tag me… 🙂
@Smita – Mithoo jo kehta hain satya kehta hain….glad it worked out….I told you it would! 🙂
December 5, 2008 at 5:25 pm
There is much truth in what you say. I’m sure this is deeply significant for me, seeing you wrote this on my b’day! I shall watch the salt and the traffic lights!
“Income might not increase to your satisfaction” — You even predicted the market crash!
December 5, 2008 at 5:40 pm
@Nana: Welcome to my blog. Thanks for the comment.
Aren’t I just too good? 🙂