Sound of spitting. Again. A fart.

Vigorous crotch scratching.

REP: I heard today that some newspaper talked about this Lalit Modi guy having a drug charge against him in America. He even had to do community service because of that. Anyway, some people are saying that he shouldn’t be the VP of the BCCI. As an elected representative of the people, I am in complete agreement with that. Such people should not be allowed to run cricket. People involved with drugs spoil generations, they corrupt the youth and destroy the future of the country.

QI: Ummm, so what you are saying is that after having undergone the stipulated hours of community service, and being allowed by the court in the US to legally return to India, he should not be part of the BCCI?

REP: Absolutely. What kind of example is he setting Indian youth, the cricketing icons, and the public?

QI: Ummm….but haven’t you been charge-sheeted yourself in offences ranging from intimidation, rape, murder and attempt to murder? Not to mention some disproportionate assets case?

REP (benignly): That is different….how can you compare the two? The cases against me are frivolous ones filed at the instigation of my enemies. Nothing has been proven. That rape case… proof. Just to malign me. The truth is that woman was a thief, entered my house illegally…..

QI: Entered your house illegally? With the security cover the government has given you? Not to mention your armed goons?

REP: Please don’t interrupt. The government security is obviously inadequate, which is why I have asked for the highest cover possible. And please don’t make baseless remarks about my party associates. They are not goons. Anyway, this woman broke in, probably to steal something. I walked into my bedroom and saw her going through my cupboard. Seeing me, she was startled and started to run. Her saree caught in the door and tore, and as she ran, she fell down the stairs, badly hurting herself. And my enemies call it rape?

QI: So you’re saying she fell down the stairs and suffered scratch and bruise marks on the face and chest, not to mention serious vaginal tear and laceration? From falling down the stairs?!

REP: Of course. She has made wild accusations, and has not been able to prove it in court. What to do? Such accusations are common for public servants like me. But I am a mature person. And as befits a magnanimous public figure, I did not make a complaint of breaking and entering against her. Please, no more comments on this, the matter is sub-judice.

QI: What about the charge of murdering your political rivals, C and D?

REP: Another baseless fabrication concocted by my enemies. I have no role in their unfortunate deaths. C died in a road accident. And D drowned.

QI: You realise the charges are that C was killed before the road accident, and the hit-and-run was fabricated after he had been bludgeoned to death? And that D was a champion swimmer and there was no way he could’ve drowned in 4 feet of water?

REP (indulgently): You are watching too many fillims. Please don’t believe in lies spread by my enemies and the biased media. There is no proof. Witnesses have changed statement and are now telling the truth. Please, no more comments on this, the matter is sub-judice.

QI: So you deny any charges of intimidating witnesses, tampering with evidence and generally subverting the investigative process in each of these cases?

REP: Please, no more comments on this, the matter is sub-judice. You will see. Hopefully in the next two decades we will have a verdict. You will see, I am innocent. How can you accuse me when there is no proof? I have not been convicted.

QI: Like you said, hopefully the truth will out by 2020. OK, since you keep talking about proof – what about the sting operations which caught you taking a bribe on camera, and the subsequent one where you were caught in a romp with a prostitute?

REP: I was accepting money for the party.

QI: The tape shows you promising to make sure the contract would be awarded to them. And that the money was for you… that you could make sure their bid won.

REP: No, no, I have denied this, even in the house. It is all a ratings game by these irresponsible channels. They have fabricated the tape. It is me on tape, but accepting money as a donation to the party. But the voice is not mine. Those are not my words. The tape has been doctored. The house is investigating this entrapment of an elected representative. We have taken a very serious view of this.

QI: And the prostitute sting? There are no sounds there. At least, there are no words….there are plenty of other sounds.

REP: Special effects… is a plot by a foreign power to destabilise the country by undermining its elected representatives. I am telling you, what magic these special effects can do! During the time of the alleged sting operation, I was not even in the city. My bodyguards have testified that I was actually in my farmhouse. The house is going to deal with this wicked TRP game of these channels. You wait and see.

QI: Okay – so your answer to every charge and accusation is that it has been fabricated by your enemies. And that you haven’t been convicted yet. So tell me, if you are convicted by 2020, will you resign if you are still a member?

REP: I have full faith in the courts of our country. They will never wrongly convict an innocent man, especially if he is a public servant. But more than that, I believe in the power of the people. We are a democracy. The people’s court – the elections – have proven time and again that I am innocent. And as long as the people have declared me innocent, I don’t think there is a higher authority in India that can make me resign. Democracy you see. Power of the people is supreme. Jai Hind.

Some more vigorous crotch-scratching and nose-digging. Another fart. Clearly, the interview is over. Hastily avoiding a ball of booger casually flicked in my direction, I make my exit, my belief in India’s future stronger than ever, my faith in Indian democracy vindicated.

PS: Read an article today on how an old drug possession case came back to haunt Lalit Modi. This got me thinking about the fact that current statistics show that almost 25% of members of parliament in India have criminal investigations or cases pending against them. The figure is even worse for the state legislatures taken collectively. Charges common to many are intimidation, attempt to murder, murder, rioting, rape and robbery. Oh yes, there’s also the minor matter of disproportionate assets. Has anyone seen a POOR or MIDDLE-CLASS elected representative? And remember, you cannot apply for a government job with any of these complaints against you, guilty or not guilty. And chances are that the private sector will also take serious note of such allegations if brought against an employee. Yet these guys sit as elected representatives and collectively decide the fate of a billion Indians!