Turnip: “Welcome to the Crapola News Network. In our top, in our top, in our top story today, the Foreign Affairs Minister, Mr. Dukhdardjee, said India had evidence of Pakistan being responsible for the Satyam fraud, and called upon Pakistan to behave responsibly and end financial terrorism. Apart from some e-mails to Satyam that originated in Pakistan, other evidence – available exclusively on Crapola – included the fact that there was an entity called PWC in Pakistan as well, which obviously masterminded, aided and abetted this fraud. “We are prepared for any eventuality and have kept all our options open” Mr. Dukhdardjee said, adding that he had spoken to his counterparts in the USA and the UK and pleaded with them to ask Pakistan to stop. “We are disappointed that after 25 years of requesting the USA to tell Pakistan not to trouble us, nothing has been done.” Taking a tough stand, he added, “Our patience is running out. A few more instances like Satyam, and there is a real possibility that we will consider serious action – for instance, multiple press-conferences like this on the same day.”

In view of the Sa-Sa-Satyam affair, security at other high-profile Indian companies has been strengthened. Special Personnel from SEBI, RBI, ICAI and the BSE have been rushed to the spot. The situation is believed to be tense, to be tense, to be tense but under control. The Prime Minister, Mr. MoanMoan Sing, in an impassioned speech to the nation – in which he blinked thrice, cleared his throat twice and actually looked away from the teleprompter on one occasion – said that the government condemned Pakistan’s complicity in this affair, and that they were ready to take the strongest possible measures to ensure that such scams do not come to light again.

Meanwhile, Affair-with-the-Minorities Minister, Mr. I. Wantolay, called the Satyam fraud a sinister attempt at deflecting attention from the Malegaon blasts, and hinted at right-wing Hindu involvement. Goohlayehum Yadav and Bummer Singh supported his theory and called for an, called for an, called for an impartial probe implicating the Hindu right.

Opposition Leader Turdvani called for tougher laws to ensure that there was no repetition of such incidents, though his demand might be infructuous. This demand was quickly supported by ordinary citizens, many of whom called for stricter legislation along the lines of the Fraud Unearthing and Corporate Knavery (Updated Significantly) Act, though saner commentators warned that such acts could only sc-sc-screw us,  the citizens. Charkha.”

Charkha: “Yes, indeed, Turnip. It is very goose-bumpy. The US and UK governments have not really responded to India’s entreaties and have asked India to point fingers only on the basis of incontrovertible proof. In response, the government has decided to plead harder with them.

In related developments, Pakistan has condemned the Satyam fraud, promised full co-operation, denied involvement and called for UN intervention in Kashmir to make sure the root causes of corporate fraud could be addressed. When we come back after the break, Aamir Khan, Katrina Kaif and Rakhi Sawant tell us what they think went wrong with Satyam. Don’t go away!”